No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize