worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
