it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
