I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
