Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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