Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
