Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
We need to rekindle our bromance
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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