everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
