When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
two words: eviction party
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
