Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
