My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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