Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
