Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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