I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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