I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize