Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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