There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Randomize
