i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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