Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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