I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
