worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
