Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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