I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I AM VODKA MAN
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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