The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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