And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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