I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
