You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize