Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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