Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
