it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
