My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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