she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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