I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
