Screwed.edu
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Randomize
