my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
