my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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