my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
