are you so shy because you have an std?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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