but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
