Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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