Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
