So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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