Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
