would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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