whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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