and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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