giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
