You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
