Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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