sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
