Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Randomize
