I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
