She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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