the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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