I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
