I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
