Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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