I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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